The End of the World

Translated from Korean by Joheun Lee 

I was dreaming about the day I met Hyesoo again. 

I was born and raised in a small town in Gangwon-do, and as with all children from that provincial town, I’d been preoccupied with the wish to leave the neighborhood. There were two ways: either go to college in a major city or marry a man who lived in one. Since middle school, I realized the latter wasn’t an option for me and devoted my soul to my studies. After luckily getting accepted to a school near Seoul, I thought I was set. I got on a night train the very weekend I saw the word “Accepted” on the admissions website. My heart was light, free of all care, and I never looked back. The old-fashioned dialects, the smell of cow dung, the so-called “downtown” that had one franchise hamburger joint—I waved goodbye to all those nuisances.

So it is noteworthy that the place where I’d met Hyesoo again was that town—and the loathsome “downtown” at that—where my high school class reunion took place. I consider this the starting point of a truly romantic and fateful love. 

The reunion was held regularly starting the year after I left town, but I’d never considered attending. I was busy working part-time at an Internet cafe during the week and holding two separate private tutoring sessions on the weekends. Even if I were dying of boredom, I would never have dreamt of visiting that neighborhood again. Some friends suggested coming to the reunion, but they stopped contacting me after I declined a few times. I initially felt bad but soon thought it was a good call after seeing the reunion photo on Cyworld. No one in the photo had ever left town; it was filled with those who’d either wanted to leave but failed or found a job at the local bus terminal or the agricultural co-op instead of going to college, all crowded around a table at the downtown pub where the local men gathered to watch baseball. 

I’m still unsure what got into me the day that brought me there. Even when I came home from tutoring that day, I wasn’t aware there was a reunion the next day. I read a friend’s NateOn status message set to the time and location of the reunion and merely thought, I see. But the next morning, instead of rolling around in bed all day as planned, I went on the express bus ticketing website. After buying a ticket, I took a shower and even devoted time to put on meticulous makeup before leaving the house. What am I doing? The thought struck me only after my bus was on the highway, leaving Seoul behind. 

What word other than fate could explain what happened that day? Why would I return to the place I’d sworn never to return, like an iron nail drawn to a magnet? It was because I was fated to meet Hyesoo at the reunion that day. 

Much later, when I told her this, Hyesoo sneered. “You just thought it was about time. Probably figured you could finally brag about how you’re a sophisticated Seoulite now. As a matter of fact, you were acting really stuck-up that day.” 

All I’d wanted was to say something romantic, so I was immediately upset at her reaction. “Like you weren’t,” I spat. That night, we slept with our backs to each other. 

But come to think of it now, I could’ve told her once again. That whatever she thought, meeting her again that day was fate. That she hadn’t been condescending at all, and I was just endlessly thankful she’d come to me. That she’d saved my life. 

I desperately wished I could go back to that moment and tell her those words, and right then, I was transported to that moment in my dream. In that exact studio apartment where we’d lived together for the first time, with our backs to each other on that single bed we crammed ourselves into. I rolled over under the rustling blanket and tapped on Hyesoo’s shoulder. “Hey, Hyesoo.” She turned around, too, and looked me straight in the eye. I was about to say what I’d prepared, when Hyesoo’s lips slowly parted.

Wake up. 

Hang in there. 

Please don’t leave me alone. 

I opened my eyes. Suddenly, Hyesoo’s face was nowhere to be seen, and I was in a dark place I’d never been before. 

“Jiwoo. Jiwoo, wake up.” 

I turned toward Hyesoo’s voice above my head and saw a jagged hole big enough for my arm to pass through. Hyesoo was sticking her face through the hole, desperately calling me, “Jiwoo, Yang Jiwoo.” 

“Hey, I’m here,” I shouted as I got up, but something felt off. There was a sinking feeling  like picking up an empty jar thinking it was full. I’d pushed myself up, but it was as if I had brought up only the slightest bit of my body, leaving the rest behind. After being startled by this strange sensation, I slowly realized. 

Right. I was dead. 

I grunted, stretching my body thinner so that I could easily slip through the hole above my head. After emerging into the light, I could finally tell where I’d been. Tetrapods. I couldn’t fathom how I got there, but I’d been stuck under the tetrapods’ interlinked legs. Someone had probably twisted my legs and arms to do so. Bending, pressing, and folding me like a slab of meat since I’d already been dead. 

But what actually made me angry was the sight of Hyesoo’s teary face. She was in a devastating state. The upper-right corner of her near-translucent head was pressed flat like under a steel plate. Her left eye was missing, with only the rubbery membrane slipping down and glistening under the light. Her head was crushed to the point where I could see her jelly-like brain and broken pieces of skull. The sight set my stomach afire with rage. Gruesomeness aside, how painful would it have been for her. How shocked she would have been. I was examining her, my teeth gritted, when Hyesoo said in a trembling voice: 

“You didn’t wake up for so long, I thought I’d turned this way all alone.  

I thought you were gone, but not me.” 

I hugged Hyesoo’s shaking body. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “We’re together. I don’t know what happened or what became of us, but we’re here together. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.” 

Saying it was okay over and over really made me think that it was. Hyesoo must have felt the same way; I could feel her body slowly relaxing, too. 

“You’re right. We wanted to die, anyway,” she muttered. 

I pretended I didn’t hear her, pulling her closer. 

She was right. We had come here to die. 

Hyesoo said that a truck had hit her, and she flew through the air until something crashed against her head and snapped it off her body. That was how she witnessed everything—the pale-faced young man getting out of the truck and looking around, him carrying our limp bodies and shoving them in the breakwater holes, and him crawling up the road to pick up the strewn pieces of our flesh. 

“How did he look?” I asked. 

“Hm, totally ordinary. Not handsome, not ugly. Not tall, not short.” 

“Come on, give me some more details.” 

“Umm…” 

Hyesoo and I, an unsightly pair, joined hands and walked on. She said there was a narrow alley near where we were struck not too far away, but I couldn’t remember where it was and simply followed her. We passed the ruins of a village, which stood facing the breakwater. Bushes full of beach roses along a collapsed stone wall swayed in the wind. Ahead of them lay a narrow dirt path. 

“There it is.” 

Hyesoo pointed at a spot on the dirt road, and my gaze followed. An orange streetlamp, its light murky with grime, stood like a spotlight in the middle of the path, with overgrown weeds and vines on both sides. It was too serene for a road that had recently witnessed the deaths of two people. 

“You know, that man,” Hyesoo started, tilting her head toward the sky. “After he moved us into those holes, he stopped here before he got back in his truck. He stared blankly at the sky, like I’m doing now. I was wondering what he was looking at when someone could have spotted him any time soon. Now I know.” 

Hyesoo straightened up and beckoned me. I stood beside her and looked up but couldn’t see anything. 

“What’s there?” I asked. 

“When he hit us, the moon must have been right there,” replied Hyesoo, pointing. “He probably thought, ‘How beautiful. What a pretty night sky. Such a sweet summer breeze.’” 

I stared at Hyesoo, at a loss for words. Was she out of her mind? I nearly snapped at her, but my eyes opened wide all of a sudden. I caught a whiff of a strong, sweet smell from the ocean on the warm summer breeze. I soon spotted the source. The rich beach roses bushes were in full bloom, springing up between the crumbled bricks and gravel. I gazed down at the fuchsia-colored petals blossoming under the orange streetlight. I could hear the wind rushing over the distant sea and grass bugs chirping in the thickets. 

“...I couldn’t have done it alone.” 

Hyesoo’s muttering reached my ears amid the suffocating scent. 

“You said it yourself, Jiwoo. We’d always failed. So I’m glad that it happened.” 

Hyesoo turned around and took a few steps along the grassy roadside. My gaze followed her. Grass bowed at Hyesoo’s feet as it would in the wind. Her thin, translucent legs shimmered in the dark. They reminded me of the conversation we’d had right before we left home. Hyesoo insisted on wearing her pajama shorts out, and I kept chiding her to change into a longer pair. Do you know how painful sea mosquito bites can be? The swelling could have you suffering for a whole month. I’d exaggerated, but Hyesoo just giggled. You think we have a month ahead of us? Speechless, I let her climb into the passenger seat in her shorts and slippers, but I doused us in mosquito repellent as soon as we arrived at the beach. Yes. I’d believed we’d had a month ahead of us, a year, a decade. Just as we’d had yesterday and the day before, we would have today and tomorrow.

I didn’t want to die. 

I wanted to live a good life. With you. 

I muttered to Hyesoo’s back, now far ahead of me. The sound of ocean waves echoed in the distance. 

What was it like before I met Hyesoo? 

Seoul never asked me if I liked my life there or not, and I’d become just a Seoulite, wandering the night streets without any preferences or opinions. As I passed by people my age, spitting on the sidewalk, drunk, all I could say was, “Hysterical.” I was repeatedly reminded that the very act of roaming the streets and everything I’d done since coming to Seoul had merely been a long series of hysteria. 

The next thing I knew, I was a junior in college. My major never grew on me and left me with a mediocre GPA, and I had nothing I wanted to do. I’d gone to school daily and worked countless part-time jobs, but no place felt like home. Even once I was finally in Seoul, the place I’d dreamed of since childhood, I barely left the neighborhood I lived in. The subways still drained me, and beer was the only alcoholic drink I could stand. 

So maybe Hyesoo’s obnoxious comment was right. It was around that time when I’d impulsively gone to the reunion. 

No one welcomed me there. Someone asked bitterly, “How did you know this was happening?” to which I also responded bitterly, and that was the end of the conversation. 

Around 10 p.m., they exchanged looks with each other. “Jiwoo, are you taking the last bus to Seoul?” someone asked. I nodded, and everyone naturally started to talk about parting ways. I could tell a few of them would meet up again later, but I didn’t care. With my stomach unpleasantly full of the beer I’d forced down, I just wanted to get home as soon as possible. As soon as I left the bar, I split off from the group heading the opposite way. Just in time, a cab was coming my way. I flagged it down and got in, thinking I would never return to this town. 

Until someone slid into the seat next to mine. 

“Are you heading to Seoul?” the person asked quietly, and only after I said yes did I realize who she was. Oh Hyesoo, one of the attendees who’d been stuck on the fringes of the conversation like me. 

Staring at my puzzled look, Hyesoo asked calmly. 

“Can I come to your place?” 

“Jiwoo, aren’t you curious?” 

“About what?” 

“If it’s just the two of us, or if there are other ghosts like us. And if so, can we see each other? Or do all of us exist here together but can’t see each other?” 

I didn’t answer. These questions left a bitter taste in my mouth. My death still didn’t feel real, and I had no idea what I’d become, but Hyesoo didn’t seem fazed. She understood and willingly accepted the situation. As if she’d finally kicked off a project she’d been planning for a long time. 

Then I realized—Hyesoo really meant it whenever she said she wanted to die. 

“I don’t really wanna know,” I murmured. 

“I do,” said Hyesoo. “I’d like to run into another ghost if there’s one.” 

“What would you do then?” 

“I just wanna know. If others can see me.” 

“So what if they can?” I snapped. 

Hyesoo turned to me and said, “I wish no one could see me. Actually, I wish no one else was here. I wish there were only two of us left in this world.” 

Hyesoo briskly strode ahead of me, determined to find another ghost. I knew that what Hyesoo wanted was not to be alone but for us two to be alone together, and that wasn’t because she loved me. In Hyesoo’s world, I was not someone she loved, but someone harmless to her. Someone who didn’t torment or judge her, someone who would never leave even if she lashed out for all she wanted. The fact that she considered all humans except me harmful didn’t console me, because that’s not what I wanted to be. 

Come to think of it, Hyesoo said she wanted to die since that first night at my place. 

At the doorstep of my humble studio apartment, which had no proper furniture or decoration, Hyesoo set down her backpack without hesitation as if she were at home. Her bag was huge, better suited for hiking or camping than a class reunion. I asked what was in it, and she simply replied, “Stuff.” 

But she revealed with a grin, “I packed clothes, underwear, skincare products, and a few other things I’d need right away. If you didn’t take me in, I was gonna go on a trip, anywhere for a week. Then…” 

“Then?” 

“Then, once I got tired of it, I was gonna die.” 

Not funny, I thought, frowning. Paying my reaction no mind, Hyesoo bent over to tidy up the shoes she’d taken off and entered inside. I could feel my head throbbing. Did she think she was a stray cat who’d found a human companion or something? Her declaration to die rang hollow at the time. I’d seen tons of girls like Hyesoo on various online communities. All the depressives, insomniacs, and cynics gathered there, but their lives weren’t that different from ordinary people’s. Hyesoo might be an online community addict like me, I thought, as I watched her peep into my bathroom. 

“By the way, I like women.” 

I blurted, letting the trail of my malicious thoughts slip out. It was sort of a childish attempt to show her how I didn’t have things so easy, either. In fact, the whole bus ride up to Seoul, I contemplated whether to tell her or not. If I did, when and how? What would happen? I’d never thought of revealing my sexual orientation to anyone except online. And I’d declare it to someone as good as a stranger I found attractive but who was probably straight. How would she react? Would she run away, pity me, accept it, or pretend she hadn’t heard? My heart pounded as I observed Hyesoo’s face. 

“Then, does that mean there’s a possibility that you could like me?” Hyesoo asked. 

“That’s right.” 

I still had enough of a grip on myself not to say, I already might. 

Hyesoo seemed deep in thought for a while before she said, “That’s fine.” 

“What’s fine?” 

“No one’s ever liked me before. I wouldn’t like you in the same way, but that doesn’t mean that you liking me is a bad thing.” 

Before I could ask what the hell she meant, Hyesoo went into the bathroom. Bewildered, I stared at the closed bathroom door and mulled over what I’d just heard. So it was okay for me to love her even though she wouldn’t love me back? It perplexed me but didn’t upset me, even though I felt I had the right to be offended. 

That night, only when I tried to fall asleep beside her on my small bed did I realize why her words didn’t bother me. Even though she’d declared that she couldn’t give me the same thing in return, Hyesoo at least allowed me to like her. Without judging or condemning me. 

What was she running away from, and why? Why did she want to die? Would I ever have a chance to find out? I fell asleep, mind overrun with those thoughts. 

In the end, that chance never came. 

Hyesoo lived with me for three years after that. But she never told me what she’d run away from or what was tormenting her so much. Of course, I could guess a few things as we spent time together. I could tell from how she never talked about her family, how no one was looking for her, and the old self-harm scars on her arms and thighs. I was curious but decided not to ask. I feared she might run away if I tactlessly brought up the topic. That she might feel that it wasn’t safe here, either. 

After the last semester in college, I found a job and a more spacious house near it. I got a driver’s license and bought a used car, and every dawn, we wandered in it all over the place. Ilsan Lake Park, Bugak Skyway, Cheonggye Plaza. All Hyesoo’s favorite places. 

Over the past three years, I tried with all my might to make Hyesoo happy. I’d told myself that once she was happy, happy enough to let the sad past be the past, she would tell me all about it. And it wasn’t hard to make Hyesoo happy; she broke into laughter at things like sweet coffee, funny movies, and stray cats coming by for food. 

But when those moments were over, Hyesoo wished to die again. Her thoughts intensified in the evenings, and nothing I said could stop her. The only way to appease her was to take her for a ride somewhere far away and let her get some air. Even then, instead of asking why, I said: “What would I do if you die? I’d be so lonely. I don’t want you to die.” After a series of sincere but empty-sounding pleas, Hyesoo would calm down a little and get back in the car. 

Every day went by like that. 

Those days in which everything seemed to get better but didn’t, where only my love for Hyesoo grew. 

I can’t say I wasn’t lonely. I knew Hyesoo didn’t feel the same toward me. But I was less lonely thanks to her. 

I’d honestly believed that was enough. 

The darkness was becoming lighter and lighter at our feet. 

“Looks like the sun is coming up.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Do you think we’ll disappear once it does?” 

“Maybe.” 

We walked and walked. 

We couldn’t tell the direction, but we’d had our backs to the breakwater when we started, so we were probably headed to the middle of the island. The path cut off abruptly only to start, then stop again. This village, this whole land, seemed like one giant, screwed-up maze. A muddy path would suddenly change into a smooth asphalt road. Not that it mattered to us since we could walk even without roads. 

I wanted to suggest we go somewhere more crowded but didn’t. The thought would have crossed Hyesoo’s mind, too. Maybe she just wanted to believe we weren’t visible to anyone. Maybe what she’d wanted when she was alive wasn’t to die exactly, but to become invisible. In that case, what if we stayed here, Hyesoo and I? As two lonely yet free ghosts? 

I fixed my eyes on Hyesoo’s heels as I walked. The surroundings grew brighter and brighter after each short and aimless thought—dark indigo, light indigo, dark azure, light azure. 

Then, suddenly, Hyesoo halted. 

“The end,” she announced. 

I lifted my gaze and was stunned. Only a few steps ahead was a cliff. The earth ended abruptly as if an apathetic giant had carelessly chopped off the rest. “Watch out!” I called, pulling Hyesoo toward me. Then we looked each other in the eye and chuckled. 

What would happen if we fell? 

We walked toward the edge and looked down. It wasn’t that high, but the landing below was jagged with sharp rocks, murky seawater whirling around them. 

“Should I jump?” Hyesoo asked. 

“How would you make it back up?” 

“Good question.” 

Hyesoo perched on the edge of the cliff, letting her legs hang. I sat next to her, and all I could see was the sky—the pale, vast cerulean sky, its edge gradually brightening. It was the sort of scenery that made my chest feel full. 

“How could it be so nice?” Hyesoo asked dreamily. “This is it. This is what I always wanted.” 

Instead of replying, I searched for and grabbed Hyesoo’s hand. Clutching each other’s hands, we dangled our legs over the edge and stared out at the distant sky. Far beneath our feet crashed the waves against the cliff wall. 

“Would we shatter like that?” 

“I think so.” 

“That’s amazing. Sooo amaazing.” 

Hyesoo beamed. As if in answer, a flock of seagulls suddenly soared up into the sky. The birds cawed midair and landed on the rocks right below the cliff all at once. Afar, their pure white heads were beautiful. Would those birds die, too? Did they become like us when they died? I was musing when Hyesoo called to me. 

“Jiwoo.” 

“Yeah?” I turned around. Hyesoo was grinning, her teeth showing. 

“What is it?” I asked. 

“You know what I’m about to say, right?” 

“No, I don’t.” 

“Come on, you do.” 

“I don’t.” 

“Fine, then. Let’s leave it at that.” 

“Whatever, it’s not like you’re gonna say you love me,” I sulked. 

“No, not that, unfortunately,” laughed Hyesoo. 

“I’m gonna push you off.” 

I joked, grabbing at Hyesoo’s shoulders as if I meant it. It was then Hyesoo leaned forward and hugged me. I froze in surprise. 

 “Thank you,” Hyesoo whispered. “I wanted to say, thank you. For back then, for now, and probably forever.” 

Not knowing what else to do, I tightly hugged Hyesoo’s narrow shoulders, too. Her shoulders smelled faintly of beach roses. I pressed my nose deep against her skin and breathed in. At that moment, a ridiculous thought crossed my mind. Could this cliff, this place, be the end of the world? Could we have reached the end of the world? We had to have. If such a beautiful place, this very spot slowly submerging in light, wasn’t the end of the world, where else could it be? If not this corner of the world, where no one existed but the two of us? 

If so, I’d be okay with things ending here. 

“I’m good now,” Hyesoo said softly as if she had read my mind, her head buried in my shoulder. 

“Me, too,” I replied. And I truly meant it. 

Above our heads, the sun was rising—slowly, unhurried.